I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
