There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Pooping to opera.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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