I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
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Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
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If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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