I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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