Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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