I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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