I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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