And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
