he wants to bone in the snuggie
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
