You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
bring money and cleavage
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
