I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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