i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
