you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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