What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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