I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
