Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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