i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
