I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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