I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
