Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
