Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
