walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
