3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
