My balls are so social today.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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