if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
