The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
