come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
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time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
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I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We're too hungover to prance.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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