I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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