Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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