I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
