Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
