I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
