Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
25 Hilarious ‘Sex Clubs’ You Should Try To Join
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
These 23 People Had Crazy Sex With Complete Strangers
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.