My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
