he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
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Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
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Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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