1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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