Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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