Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
