Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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