im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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