youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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