So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
