I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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