sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
