I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
