I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
