So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
