I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
