Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
