His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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