At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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