Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
