I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
