i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
