My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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