take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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