If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
